The beginning

 Have you ever found yourself lost?

That is a question that most people encountered. The feeling that you are lost make you wanted to search on that path, that deeply inside your heart desired.

A time come to me where I encountered that question.

I thought then that my life is so plain and simple, and deep down inside, I wanted to know what will make it exciting to look forward to everyday.

Really, there was a lot inside me then, that only now I come to realize.

Light and darkness, love and hatred, hope and despair and mostly desire, longing and dreams.

I knew since I was a small I will never have an ordinary life like most people around me have. My life may seem simple and plain but it has a lot of darkness.

On my country, probably about 10% are rich, 30% are middle class and the other percentage are poor. And my family is one of those other percent.

Being poor doesn't make you especial nor ordinary. It's how you live it that can make it different.

I have ordinary family though, but being ordinary doesn't mean things will be normal. I wish it was. When I was a kid I envy most of the kid around me. Their parent showed them love and care. And every time, they have that brightness around them.

You see, when I started to realize life, I also realize that my life is tough and dark. I have suffered with different kind of abuse and mis behavior from my family, relatives and some people that I've met. And that is all I am ready to tell.

But even though my life was not perfect then, there are still good and happy stories that worth telling.

 One is my parents love story.

Though it's not detailed I was told that my mother was a helper in my father's home. And that is how they met. And soon something happen to them. They say that they didn't really love each other then, but people tend to love love stories and have high curiosity on how it felt like. And my mother love to read romantic novel that maybe she saw my father as her prince and she is the Cinderella. Though as expected, my grandmother didn't like my mother so they have to be left with no humor nor care from my fathers side and so we live in poverty. Since i grow up, I saw my father working everyday to fed his six children to the extent that he was once had an accident that almost crack his skull. The story of how he work on other country as a mason was sad for me. Then, poor people tend to have difficult job because they were unfortunate to go to a better school nor choose a higher path. Though today, that was just an excuse.

But you know thinking about it right now I realize that even on the brightest place there will always be a shadow.

The human thought and behavior is not really pure and simple. Because I remember myself on their story.

When I was lost, I also tried to find love and lust with someone. And also a fairytale story.

I met someone on an online dating application and as I get to know him, for me, he is successful, intelligent and charming. Somehow I saw the life that I wanted to live in him. Though his life isn't perfect, he is living his dream, and so I like to be apart of it.

To attain the life he is living, he himself suffered a lot to have the strength to pursue his path. The most I envy about him is, he have direction in life.

When I met him I never thought on myself that I am capable of accomplishing extra ordinary things. though deep down inside there is this desire inside of me that wanting to do something impossible. People are not perfect, though sometimes I perceive him as that but oftentimes I realize he wasn't.

I was a fool then. I thought there is fairytales and magic. I hold onto him, to the edge of loosing myself. Begging for his attention and approval. Though we never met we had uncensored relationship. I was willing to be anything and give anything just for him not to live and stay in my life. I long to be in his world. I thought his world is where my dreams are. I love listening to his voice and stories. Everyday I long to talk to him and read his messages, to the point that he often get irritated for we never really have special relationship and no obligation of amusing each other everyday. According to him he is just trying to help me and trying to make me happy by sending messages everyday and talking to me on weekends. Between us, for him, it was just merely physical necessity and amusement. But I took him so seriously that I long to see myself living with him, though every time he made me see that he is not that serious. I was blinded, maybe with love and lust. I never loose hope that one day he will realize that I have that especial place in his heart.

Until I can't take it anymore and decide to meet him, even though it was evident to him that it was just for the sake of sex and nothing more.

Even though my childhood life is dark and difficult, I often go to church twice a week, but that didn't stop me from committing a sin with a person who never really have a clear thoughts about me. He is not a gentlemen and he didn't consider good and pure heart from people around him, and so he probably has a different perspective on why I was holding onto him however he is treating me. He probably has thought that I was there for a good life since I came from a poor family. Though that is half truth I suppose. Though I have a good and stable job at that time it was just enough to live everyday in comport and send money and support to my parents, but will not promise you a luxurious and secured one.

But as expected, he left me broken and ashamed. I know his reasons why he didn't consider me. I wasn't really a lady material. Just a plain and ordinary women. That is my physical attribute when I met him. and It was so painful because he doesn't even have remorse to console me for all the things that I've lost by meeting him. Against everything, I wasn't expecting such cold behavior after giving my innocence. But I can't blame him, It was partly my fault. I didn't gave myself the respect and love that I deserve that time. I was full of insecurity and doubts about myself.

They say that an exceptional person learn by just watching others people live their life, an average one learn from their experience and a fool say they know everything. And that experience might align me as an average. I wasn't on the fool side was I?

But really I just wanted to experience and do something extra ordinary at that time. I never gambled with life and love. But I guess what I did was too much. And so I realize I was just really rebelling and challenging my life. Though I really did fall in love with love and fantasies. But I know I did love him. Against everything he came in the moment of my life where I was hopeless and didn't have direction. When he came he gave colors to my world and inspire me to dream higher. and when he left, that world shattered, along with the old me, but it gave me strength to change and love myself and find my purpose.

After I decide to search for myself, I realized that life outside your comport zone is difficult but worth living. Until now I still feel the pain of  what I did with that person. I lost a lot, innocence, fantasies, soul, and belief. it felt like everything I used to believe to, was all a lie. When he left it was so painful that I always have that pain in my heart physically. I was embarrassed to pray to God and face my family and friend. I feel like I disappoint them. That I wasn't really that pure and kind person who understand what is good from wrong. They find me someone who will never choose to do such sinful thing. I never even experience to get drunk even once. I always follow the rules.

When life happens, it's either you accept that it has happen and endure the pain, or blame the world for bringing such incident into your peaceful side of life.

But then, that is how I decided to start a journey. How far I can go, and what story I can tell that is worth living and telling, I wanted to know. I wanted to know what kind of story I can create by creating my life.